Discernment.
I grew up in a Christian Black family from the Southern United States on my mother’s side and a Christian Jamaican family on my father’s side. One word that was ingrained in me was discernment—it was how we identified what was truly good versus what wasn’t. Now, a few years into my thirties, with a few high-level corporate roles on my resume and a much smaller circle of friends, I understand the full weight of what my parents taught me. Over the years, I’ve learned the importance of letting go of relationships that no longer align with my growth, allowing me to practice discernment in both my personal and professional life. It’s a precious skill, and I know it’s just as essential now as it was then.
The basic non-religious definition of discernment is the ability to judge well, but it’s so much more than that - it’s the secret to navigating life with clarity, confidence, and calm. It’s tapping into your intuition - looking at the world objectively to tap into critical thinking to assess situations. Discernment is that underrated superpower that helps humans cut through the nonsense and focus on what truly matters. It’s the ability to spot what’s real, what’s worth your energy, and what’s just bullshit.
And let me tell you, once you start to practice using discernment, your life will never be the same. You’ll cleanse your surroundings of the unnecessary, the toxic, and the draining for your future self.
So, let me paint a picture for you. Here’s why I feel so passionate about this topic and how it’s altering my life yearly in my romantic relationships, friendships, and my professional life.
Friendships: Quality Vs. Quantity
In your twenties, most of us extroverts fantasize about a big circle of friends. But by the time your thirties roll around, you realize it’s not about how many people you can fit in your circle—it’s about who surrounds you that won’t drain your energy. Who hypes you up? Who brings you down?
Discernment in friendships means knowing the difference between friends who genuinely have your back and those who are only around when it’s convenient for them. It’s spotting the patterns:
Are they genuinely happy for your successes, or do they get competitive? I’ve had friends I didn’t tell about my personal, physical, or romantic accomplishments, not because I didn’t want to communicate. But I felt like I would be judged even though it was positive. I had friends who would get angry at me and cause friction in our relationship if they weren’t where they wanted to be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Unfortunately, I still withhold some information from people as I’ve been burned in the past, and I still have to protect my peace. It’s still a healing/learning process.
Do you leave conversations with them feeling uplifted—or completely drained? This is a big one, and it’s a bit nuanced. Let’s be real—life isn’t always peachy. We all have bad weeks at work, moments when our partner gets on our nerves, or days when we just aren’t feeling our best. That’s normal. But the real question is this: are your friends consistently draining you? Are they always unloading their issues without considering yours? Do they leave you feeling emotionally exhausted instead of supported? It’s important to recognize the difference between being there for each other during tough times and having a friendship that feels one-sided or outright toxic.
Romantic Relationships: Red Flags Vs. Real Love
Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt personally victimized by your “fix it” mentality. Two of my hands are raised - hell, even my feet. Discernment is what helps you stop romanticizing situationships and start recognizing reality. Real recognize real, right?
When dating, discernment lets you see through the sweet words and big promises. It teaches you to ask the hard questions you usually ask yourself … when it’s over. But why not ask those questions when things start to feel prickly?
Are their actions aligned with their words? Oftentimes, people string you along with sweet nothings to keep you on the roster. Trust me, you feel a slight sting when it’s happening for the first time. That’s your intuition telling you something is off. Most of us continue to “prove” our intuition wrong without knowing it. Stop that.
Are they adding peace or stress to my life? Late-night booty call texts and ghosting for three days isn’t love. It’s stressful. Mincing scenarios in your head causes you to freak out internally and put more pressure on the situation than focusing on what really matters - you, honey. Calling your best friend at 2 pm on a workday to vent about how your on & off boyfriend is sending you mixed signals is objectively bad for your mental health.
This is the tough question for those in long-term relationships: Are you actually happy? Am I staying because of love or out of fear of being alone? The longer you hold on, the longer it takes to heal. Think of it like this: every year you stay is another year you're throwing away your happiness. When you're 70, you don’t want to carry that baggage, right? Love is beautiful—one of the most incredible gifts you can experience. Your partner should be your teammate, not someone who holds you back from happiness.
Professional Life: Fulfillment Vs. Paycheck
Discernment in your career isn’t just about knowing when to quit a toxic job (although that’s huge). It’s also about determining what aligns with your skills, values, and passions.
I’ve stayed in jobs that made me miserable because I thought I had to. Discernment helped me realize that staying in something out of fear—fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of not being “good enough”—was holding me back.
Here are the questions that I hope help you.
Does this job make me feel fulfilled or just exhausted? I’ve hit many walls at jobs where I was staying up too late, working too hard, not taking lunch breaks out of anxiety, and overextending myself to people that quite frankly, do not give a rat's ass about me. Remind yourself that: these companies need you to do a job to make them money. Your well-being sometimes isn’t taken into consideration. If you quit - the company will NOT cease to exist. They will have your place filled within the week. That doesn’t mean fuck everyone at my job. Some companies will be more lenient than others when it comes to fundamental human rights: mental health days, sick days, death in the family, etc. You can either leave or learn to put yourself first at your job.
Am I growing or stuck in a comfort zone that’s no longer serving me? Leaving a job without a dramatic or catastrophic reason can be challenging—staying where things are familiar is easy. But if you’re feeling stagnant, unmotivated, or like you’re running on autopilot, it’s time to listen to your gut. Think about it: we spend the majority of our waking hours working. There were times I found myself staring at my computer for five hours straight, mindlessly going through the motions, forgetting that I hadn’t been outside to know the temperature. I realized the longer I sat - the shorter I cut my life. Your heart quite literally knows when it’s time for a change. The key is having the courage to listen.
Personal Life: You Vs. The World
So often, we confuse what we want with what we need. Discernment helps us identify the difference.
Are you chasing something because it aligns with your values or because it looks good on paper? Are you going after this because it truly speaks to who you are and what matters to you—or is it just something that sounds impressive or checks the right boxes for other people? Be honest with yourself. Does it feel meaningful deep down, or is it just another shiny goal that looks good on paper but leaves you empty? The difference will always matter.
Are you pouring your energy into things that genuinely nourish you or just distract you from what’s missing? Distractions can feel comforting in the moment—they keep us busy, entertained, and away from the deeper, sometimes uncomfortable truths we must face. But true nourishment comes from pouring your energy into things that align with your values, bring you peace, and contribute to your growth.
Create space for mindfulness. Slow down for a moment. Meditate, journal, and simply sit with your thoughts. Listen to yourself to guide you to what will make you happy.
Do what makes you happy. What can you do that will bring you joy? There is always something you can do to make yourself happy. Read, write, skincare, etc. It’ll eventually become fuel - driving you to greater joy in life.
Values. I ask myself, “If little me saw this, what would she say?” It’s a simple question, but it always puts things into perspective. Would she be proud? Would she see someone staying true to what they believe in or someone trying to fit into a mold that doesn’t fit? When I think of little me, I think of someone full of curiosity, confidence, and dreams that weren’t clouded by fear or outside expectations. She didn’t care about what looked good on paper—she cared about what felt good in her heart. And honestly, that’s the voice I try to honor when I’m making decisions. It’s a way of keeping myself grounded, reminding me of my true values, and helping me cut through the noise.
Final Notes: Love Yourself
Discernment isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. It’s about recognizing when you’ve made a mistake or chosen the wrong path and giving yourself the grace to course-correct without judgment. Being kind to yourself is just as important as being honest with yourself. Growth happens when you balance both.
